To progress again, man must remake himself. And he cannot remake himself without suffering. For he is both the marble and the sculptor. In order to uncover his true visage, he must shatter his own substance with heavy blows of his hammer. - Alexis Carrel
I recently began going to AA meetings. Revealing is healing, and I finally admitted that the person I am now needs to metaphorically die so that a better me can come to fruition.
I have no power at all over people, places and things, and if I ever for a moment mistakenly believe that I do, and act as if I do, pain is on its way.
One of the harsh truths about people and life is that we are constantly writing ourselves off because of people who have yet to step in our shoes. It's understandable but mistaken; because, after all, the many people who critique a painting have never even held a brush.
At the end of the day, haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim. Accept that no one's opinion is worth a fuck and move on. It is your life and your recovery path.
In AA, instead of unhealthily fixating on what others think about us, we follow these 12 simple rules for serenity:
1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
4. We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that a HP (higher power) is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
We then end off each meeting by saying "Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
In conjunction with the AA meeting, I'm reading Russel Brand's book, "Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions."
Lessons Learned On: Being A Bit Fucked
Towards the end of my first discussion with my sponsor, he told me:
"What I want you to get from this is that you are truly powerless over your addictions. I know you know you are. I want you to get a deeper understanding. Also, apply the principle of willingness. Be willing to do the work or it won't happen."
Where relapses in the past ended with nonchalance, they now end in heavy tears and grunts born out of frustration. The truth of the matter is that as an addict, I, you, and others cannot do it on our own. If we could, we wouldn't be called addicts in the first place. Self-will isn't enough.
I'm writing this post fresh after a hard cry that followed a relapse; I want you to know that what does help are the three yes'
- Yes, I'm a bit fucked.
- Yes, I see that I can improve.
- Yes, I do need help and I will accept that help.
“In a sense, we re-write our past. We change our narrative. We reprogram ourselves. There is no objective history, this we know, only stories. Our character is the result of this story we tell ourselves about ourselves, and the process of inventorying breaks down the hidden and destructive personal grammar that we have unwittingly allowed to govern our behaviour.”