I'll be honest here. I was a nerd in college (and I'm an even bigger one now). Whenever my professor would ask a question, I'd usually be the first one to raise my hand in excitement. "Boy Genius! What's the a?!" He'd usually reply, with a chuckle. Some of the classmates would look at me with a slight smile as if to say "You're such a dork." Yes, yes I am. What's wrong with being excited about learning something new and showing off your nerdy talk? Nothing, I tell you!

I've been debating on whether or not to disclose this brief part of my life for a year now. I'm not sure what fueled my aversion, but I suppose it was mainly because I found it profoundly shame-provoking and strange.

The College Horror

The first and only time I had ever disclosed this story to anyone else outside of writing it here, I was told "So, you got laid. Good for you, broski! There's no way you didn't like it, dog. She's hot, man, how was it?! Give me the details. " Had I been a young female, I think the person's reaction and people's reaction, in general, would be different; but because I'm a man, it doesn't count as rape, it simply counts as sex given to me by an attractive female. Why wouldn't I want it, right?

Anyway, as I said, I was in college and starting to deal with my childhood traumas. I opened up to a woman not much older than me for the first time about some heavy childhood stuff. We were in class and tasked with writing a personal story and share it with our partner for feedback with regards to the style of poetry we were told to use. The first red flag should have been when she asked "Are you sure this happened to you as a kid?" When I defended myself gently, she apologized profusely and shared some of her own hardships with me. During our break, we got a coffee and she leaned in to kiss me. I leaned back and apologized, saying that I wasn't comfortable with being intimate with anyone that I wasn't at least a year or more into a relationship with, and how I was also the type of person to save sex for marriage. "Sure you are." She said smiling. She forced herself on me, kissing me, and I caved. Anxiety. Fear. My body saying yes while my mind was saying no, thinking of ways to push her off without hurting her. It was a confusing moment for me.

When your mind says no and your body says yes, trust your mind. Always.

Long story short, we had a back-and-forth love/hate relationship and I was too spineless and weak to break the partnership in class off. She needed my help with something one night at her house, and she paid me for it. All good. Just some resume writing and computer repair. But in the end, she pushed me down onto the sofa and took our clothes off. I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. I felt broken, nearly crying in front of her, but then played it off as anxiety and anger, scurrying out of her home, barely putting my clothes back on before exiting the front door. "Was that good for you too, baby?" She said when she saw me leaving. When I'd tried to fight her off initially, she explained "I always control the situation. Why would you fight me? Just let it happen, let me ride you, you might like it since you're a virgin, I promise you'll be safe. Learn from your past punishment. Don't bite the hand pleasuring you."

It didn't stop there, though. I was to not tell anyone what happened between us and had to walk into class together as though we were dating. She'd kiss me in class, wrap her arm around me, and we'd receive smiles from our professor and some of the classmates. I broke down during class one day, and she walked out with me. "The supportive girlfriend walks out with her man in a time of his sadness." Oh, how she played the loving partner so well. She left me alone for good after doing what she did that night to me, one more time. I tried to fight, but she hit me so hard that I heard a ringing in my ears. I let the rest happen like last time. I never saw her again after that. She'd dropped out of the class, too.

I'm no longer ashamed of my story, but I suppose this bites more than my other story because I'm not attracted to men; but when you get mixed signals because you don't want certain things to happen yet you find the woman attractive, it causes disturbances in logical thinking. It's natural. You don't want it to happen, but in an objective, unrelated sense, you find the person attractive, be it because of their looks or personality.

I think we need to change the way we look at sexual assault. No one has it easy, sure, but I'm a male advocating for my gender's side of things. The way people react towards men being raped disgusts me. Just because you hear more often that men are the ones committing rape, it doesn't mean that they can't be the ones who are abused and get raped, too. Men are human beings, and we are profoundly impacted by rape. You can like sex without necessarily wanting it. You can find women attractive without wanting to have sex with every single one of them. That's the thing about morals, you have them to preserve special places in your heart. I had my "no sex before marriage" value taken away from me twice in my life.

I suppose it doesn't bother me much anymore, but that I find our society's reaction needs to change in general. Again, I reiterate. Men can be raped and abused by a woman just as easily as a woman can be raped by a man. It's not a gender-specific thing, it's all about dominance and the lack of self-control the perpetrator has.

Funnily enough, I suppose I also don't talk much about this time in my life because I can't see it as a big deal. Men and women have sex with each other all the time. We're brainwashed into thinking that men can't be forced. I beg to differ.